Oz opened the van door for her before going around to his side. As he put the key in the ignition he realized he had no clue where they were going. "Any ideas?"
"Somewhere private, where we can be alone." After the words were out Willow could feel her cheeks grow hot, they seemed laced with suggestion even to her own ears. "I didn't mean it like that!" *That sounded worse.* "Not that I don't want to be alone with you." Inhaling deeply she tried again. "We have talking to do. We don't need a bunch of people around."
"It's okay. I know what you meant." Seeing the color in her face Oz realized how long it had been since Willow had blushed about anything around him. The thought only reminded him of how very far they had come from where they had been and how far they had to go to get back to it. It seemed insurmountable. *But not impossible, and we have to start somewhere.* They had gotten this far and he refused to get discouraged yet. "Your place?"
Willow considered it before shaking her head. "I don't know if Buffy and Riley are going to come back later or stay at his place. I don't want us to be interrupted." Her brain screamed at her to clarify that last part but she let it go out of fear of more babbling.
Oz was too stumped on the first part to notice anything after it. "Riley the teaching assistant??"
The question reminded Willow how much he had missed. "They're dating. He's great and she's happy. So it's all good."
"I'm staying at a motel. We could go there?" Oz offered quietly wondering how she'd react to that. "If that'd be too uncomfortable we can find somewhere else."
Not sure if she could keep the nervousness she felt out of her voice she settled on, "That's fine."
* * *
Oz slipped the key in the door before opening it and letting her in first. The motel was on the outskirts of town and furnished with beaten up versions of the basics, dresser, chair, nightstand, and right in the middle a huge bed. The small lamp on the dresser was already on, bathing the room in soft, dim light. Willow's eyes were so sore from crying that anything brighter would probably hurt and Oz seemed to know it as he stopped himself from turning on the bright overhead.
Shutting the door Oz saw her looking at the room. "I don't need much and it's cheap."
"To be fair it seems really clean."
"It is." Oz saw her noticing the still made bed and his bags sitting just inside the door. "As soon as I got back I got the room, paused for a shower, and tried to catch up with you. When I didn't get an answer at your place I went straight to the Bronze."
Something was buzzing in her mind, then it came to her. "Last night was the last one of your cycle."
The fact that she was still keeping track took him by surprise. "Yeah. I was in the mountains. As soon as I woke up I packed and started driving. I've only been here a couple of hours."
She knew first hand how much the change took out of him. "You must be exhausted. If you want to get some sleep I'd understand. We can do this tomorrow." Even as she made the offer she hoped he wouldn't take her up on it.
"Thanks, but I wouldn't be able to sleep with things unsettled." She was physically no more than four feet away from him yet it seemed the distance between them in every other way was vast. It was unbearable and he wanted to fix it if it was still possible.
"Me either." For the first time Willow allowed herself to really look at Oz and her heart raced. He looked good, wonderful, but somehow rougher, more rugged. She decided it was probably the beard. His hair was longer than he usually kept it and was his natural red, but still spiky. It looked softer, probably from the lack of constant dyeing. Her fingers ached to touch it.
Oz's voice drew her out of her thoughts. "There's so much I need to tell you I don't where to start."
It was obvious he was struggling to find the words to express himself and her heart went out to him. Sitting down on the bed she offered a suggestion, "Just start at the beginning."
Oz ran a hand nervously through his hair, knowing he only had one chance to make her understand didn't ease any of the pressure. "When I left I drove straight to the mountains and rented a cheap little cabin as deep in the woods as I could get. I surrounded myself with every book on lycanthropy I could find." Motioning to some boxes in the corner he told her, "I brought them back for Giles, maybe they'll do him some good. But I just kept coming across the same dead ends, it all seemed hopeless. Then right before my next cycle I stumbled across a story about this man in the late 1800's."
The words began tumbling out with surprising ease. "Somehow he managed to semi-tame it. He meshed his consciousness with the wolf's during the full moon. That clicked with something Veruca had said." After saying the name Oz paused, watching Willow carefully for a reaction. Appearing unaffected she motioned for him to continue. "She told me that she could remember things when she was in werewolf mode. So I picked up more books on mind control, split personalities, varying levels of consciousness . . . you get the idea. It was the first glimmer of hope I'd had since I left." Oz didn't want to say the next part, but knew it had to be addressed. "While I was in town I called Devon. I wanted to know how you were."
The logic of this move escaped her. "You wanted to know how I was so you called Devon??"
Oz jumped in trying to stop her from getting angry, doubting it would work. "Will, I couldn't call you. I had no idea if this thing was going to work or be a bust. I couldn't get your hopes up until I knew." She seemed to accept the explanation so he continued hesitantly, "Devon told me that you were going into my room at night and staying in there all night. So I asked him to pack my stuff up and send it to me. I t seemed like the best thing I could do for you."
"You knew?!" She was seething. "The best thing to do for me?! I went there for comfort Oz! It helped me feel close to you! It was the only thing I had left! You knew that and you just ripped it away from me without even a phone call?!"
"I didn't know what was going to happen. I couldn't let you hang on like that, torturing yourself by going in there. Do you think I wanted to take that from you? That I wanted to take every trace of myself out of
your life?" Desperately he needed to make her understand that it had hurt him just as much. "Will, do you think it was easy for me to get those boxes? When I went through my clothes all I could smell was you and all the tears you had cried. When I opened the box with my sheets I could still smell the last time we made love." His voice broke from emotion at the memory. "It took everything I had to not hop in the van and drive back to you. I missed you so much baby. But I couldn't, not until I found that line. It was the only way I could stop this from happening again. It seemed better for you to think I was a heartless bastard and even hate me then to give you false hope only to let you down again."
"After a couple of days of just wallowing in missing you and feeling sorry for myself, for us, I focused. I focused everything I had into dealing with the wolf and getting my life back. But I was limited. I had to work through the cycles. It wasn't until the second one that I started being able to remember things. On the last night I gained control over the wolf. But I had to be sure. So I waited for another cycle."
"And now?"
Oz grinned. "I control the wolf. I remember everything and I'm stronger than it. I left myself run free and I let it hunt, but when I wanted it to stop it did. The last night I didn't let it kill anything. It's exhausting, and I think it'd be easier to still be caged up, but I'm in control. I finally have the separation I needed to find."
"Oh, Oz, that's great." Willow was thrilled for him, it was more than they had dared to hope for. "Now you can have your life back."
"Can I?"
"I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it's all here waiting for you to pick it up. You just have to decide to take it." She could tell he wasn't convinced. "When Aaron joined the band Devon made it clear it was only temporary until you came back. And your room at the house is empty 'cause Devon wouldn't let anybody near it. Okay, school could be tricky, but if you want back in we'll figure something out."
Oz met her gaze. "What about us?" She hadn't mentioned that in her list and he held his breath waiting for her answer. His whole future depended on it. None of the other stuff meant anything without her. "I can't expect you to forgive and forget everything I've done. I know that. It's too much to ask."
"No, you can't ask me to just forget everything. I would give anything if I could, but I can't." Willow could see Oz's heart shattering in his eyes. Standing up she made her way toward him.
"I understand."
"No, you don't, because I haven't finished. Oz, it's not possible for me to forget. But I have already forgiven you for everything with Veruca. If it hadn't been for the wolf's influence, in her and in you, you never would have let any of that happen. As much as I wanted to blame you I've accepted that it just wasn't in your control. I've made peace with it. It still hurts like hell, but I can get past that."
The confusion was obvious. "What I couldn't forgive was your absence and the silence. I may not agree with a lot of the choices you made, but I know now that they weren't any easier for you to take than for me to live with. You wanted to protect me and you did the only thing you could think of."
"You mean . . ?" Tears of relief burned Oz's eyes and Willow read his thoughts.
"How could you doubt that I would still want you? All this time I was terrified that you didn't want me." Placing one hand on the back of his neck Willow moved closer and kissed the single tear on his cheek. "Oz, I love you."
Pulling her into a tight embrace Oz tried to reassure himself she was really there. He'd had this dream too many times only to wake up to an empty bed to stop himself. "Oh baby, I love you too."
Willow whispered, "I missed you so much. Even breathing was painful."
"I know. It was for me too. I'm so sorry." Clutching the love of his life, the only thing that mattered to him, he wondered how he ever had the strength to walk away from her.
"Just promise me you'll never leave again. No matter what might happen we face it together."
"Together." Oz promised thinking that it was the most perfect word in the English language.
Willow pulled back just enough to look at him and a smirk appeared on his face. "What are you thinking?"
"How badly I want to kiss you and it's kind of funny because I'm nervous. I think my hands are sweaty."
She knew exactly what he meant. "Me too. It's like I'm afraid I've forgotten how."
Suddenly the situation lost all humor as Oz took the lead. Sliding one hand down her back he placed the other under her chin tilting her head slightly before brushing his lips against hers. The contact was brief and subtle, but enough to cause a feeling of electricity to run through both of them. Kissing her again and again Oz moved both hands down to her hips no longer trusting himself to not crush her to him.
Gradually the fire between them grew until Willow parted her lips in a silent invitation which Oz eagerly accepted. Tentatively they explored each other's mouths, savoring the taste and feel of the precious kisses they'd been denied for far too long.
****